Chapter 2: "Double Layer"

Kari stood at her mirror and brushed her long dark locks. Her fourteenth birthday had been as she expected. Her father still wasn’t home and dinner had been just the four of them. She had said very little, but her brother and sister carried most of the conversation.

She reached out and touched the mirror with her fingertips. She felt like she would be stuck in this life forever. Her fingers stroked the reflection as she stared at the plain curves of her freckled face and looked into her own brown eyes. Deep down she wished for a different life. She wished to be somewhere else, anywhere but here. She closed her eyes in front of her mirror.

The pain and loneliness welled within her as she fed on that deep pit. She felt it pour open and overwhelm her, all the way down to her toes as the sadness washed over her. She embraced it, just on the verge of tears and a total emotional break down, but it didn’t come. She couldn’t even release the sadness and find relief. Instead, she stuffed it back down with a deep breath. That was enough self-pity for the day. It wasn’t helping anyone.

She set her glasses down on the nightstand and crawled into bed. After a few tosses and turns, she finally fell asleep.

As the blackness overwhelmed her, she floated in the dark nothingness of her mind and then she woke up.

Karina fought the sleepiness as the other world drifted away. She couldn’t remember the details, but something about cake. She had this lingering feeling of sadness, but when didn’t she? She blinked the sleep from her eyes to find the light streaming through the bedroom window. Her sister, Lucia still slept soundly in the bed on the other side of the room. Karina stretched and pushed the dream from her mind. Dreams didn’t hold much worth unless you were willing to pay a mystic to interpret them.

She stretched and stepped on to the wooden floor. Her bare feet padded as she sat at the vanity and brushed her long dark hair. She watched her plain reflection in the mirror and her brown eyes. Today was her fourteenth birthday which meant she was now officially property. She could be married off to someone to raise the standing of her family. She looked down at her teenage body and wondered what sort of man would want such a skinny girl. She’d probably be promised to a farmer boy, she wasn’t worth much.

“Karina Francis Lam!” Her mother called from down below.

“Coming, Mother!” Karina shouted and threw on a pair of pants and shirt. She ran down the stairs and skidded to a halt in the kitchen. “Yes, Mother?”

“Those animals aren’t going to feed themselves.”

Karina bowed her head. “Yes, Mother.”

She pulled on her leather boots and followed the path down to the little barn. The natural wood looked grey with age in the bright summer sun. She swung the door open. The horses nickered and the cow lowed. She completed her morning chores and lugged the milk pail and the basket of eggs back to the kitchen.

“Don’t forget the water,” Mother said without looking up from her cooking.

Karina nodded and snatched up the water bucket. She traipsed off to the well in the backyard and set the pail down on the ground. She leaned on the side of the well and looked down into the dark. Something about the darkness reminded her of cake. She shook her head. She was just excited about her birthday. She lowered the bucket on the rope with the crank and then hauled it up. She poured the bucket into the one on the ground and then brought that one back to the kitchen, careful not to slosh it.

Lucia and Edwin were at the table. Edwin was looking very pale, not his usual energetic red-cheeked self. Lucia kicked her legs above the floor as she sat on the chair, impatient for the meal.

Karina set the bucket down next to the counter in its usual spot. She sat heavily in the chair, already tired from the day’s work.

“Where’s Father?” Karina asked.

“He went to the healer. Your brother isn’t feeling well,” Mother answered. She set a plate of food in front of Edwin.

“Will he back tonight?”

“We will see, won’t we?” Mother said as she set another two plates down and sat at the table.

Karina dove in while the eggs were still warm.

“In the meantime, I want you to pull the weeds in the garden,” Mother said.

“Why can’t Lucia do that?”

“She’ll be working on her needle work today.”

Karina stole a glance at her sister who stuck her tongue out at her. Karina nodded. She understood. Lucia was delicate and beautiful. Her sparkling hazel eyes and blonde hair made her a prize. She would be fit for a prince in a few years where as Karina wouldn’t. They could work her hard and turn her over with callouses on her hands. She would still be worth the same with her plain face. A farmer’s daughter and a farmer’s wife. She was capable of nothing more. She clenched her jaw. She wanted to be so much more, not someone’s property.

Edwin poked at his food.

“Don’t waste it,” Karina said.

He looked to Mother.

Mother scowled. “Don’t nag him Karina, He’s sick.”

“Yes, Mother.”

Mother clanked her fork down on her plate. “Was that sass I heard in your voice?”

Karina lowered her eyes. “No.”

Mother leaned forward and pinched her chin between her thumb and the knuckle of her index finger. She jerked her chin towards her. Karina flickered her eyes between the ground and her mother’s angry ones.

“It had better not have been. Go, get to your chores. I don’t want to see your face until nightfall.” She released her and went back to eating her food.

Karina nodded. She took the bread and cheese then walked out the door. Maybe being sold off would be better. It would be an escape from here at least. She could be with a man that would take care of her and sleep next to her. They could do things together like work the fields and do the chores. She wouldn’t have to feel so lonely all the time.

She took the steps down to the garden and grabbed up a hoe. The grain of the wood beneath her hands was smooth with wear as she began popping up the weeds with the sharp end. The sun hammered hard on her exposed tan skin. She rolled her sleeves down and snatched up the large hat to shield her face.

The rows of corn were almost at their prime. The squash and zucchini vines filled the garden paths. Peas and beans grew about the corn stalks and hung laden with pods. She looked about and hoped there was enough food to get them through the winter and spring. If they decided to sell her off, then it wouldn’t be as tight. She wondered how much her dowry would be. How much had they saved to get rid of her? A cow? A horse? Maybe if she was lucky, then a horse, but knowing her family it was likely a chicken and they were saving the horses for Lucia.

Karina kicked a dirt clod. She could just run, but she’d have nowhere to go and no one to protect her. She may still be young, but she knew what happened to young women on their own. They weren’t safe and though she was strong from farm work, she knew nothing about weapons. She slashed an invisible enemy with her hoe. She was pretty good with it. She imagined striking them then slashed again. She stumbled and hit a corn stock. The beans shook and a few fell. She dropped the hoe and gathered up the fallen beans, stuffing them in her pocket. Her mother would be mad if she found out. Who knows why, but she would still be mad.

She picked up her hoe and finished the work. It was just passing noon when she finally finished. Lucia and Edwin were playing a game of tag and got kicked out of the house. They rushed around the yard shrieking. Edwin didn’t look like he was doing too terribly now. She watched them for a minute as they ran without a care in the world. She had been happy like that once. A long time ago, her and Lucia had run about, but ever since Edwin could run, Karina was no longer fun to play with. Lucia made it a point to constantly remind her how plain and boring she was. How all she wanted to do was work. Karina stabbed the hoe down in the dirt and left, leaving her brother and sister to their games.

She hauled a cart from the barn down to the orchard. The delighted shrieks died away as she climbed the hill. The trees spread out in rows and she sat in the cart beneath one. The apples of some of the species were finally ready. She scooped up a yellow and red one and bit into it. The sweet juices filled her mouth in a stark contrast to her mood. She wondered why life couldn’t be like an apple. Sweet, crunchy, juicy. Why did life have to be so plain? She finished the apple down to the core then threw it over the fence for the horses.

She spent the afternoon harvesting newly fallen apples. When her cart was full, she returned to the house and started filling the root cellar barrels with them. These were the first apples of the year which meant apple cobbler was in the near future. She smiled but it dropped into a frown. Wasn’t it sad that was the only thing she had to look forward to? Again, her mind reeled as she fought the urge to find more purpose in the world.

“Karina!” Mother called.

“Coming!” Karina answered. She rushed up the stairs of the cellar and into the kitchen.

Lucia and Edwin sat at the table. Mother turned around holding a chocolate cake and set it down in the middle of the table.

“Happy Birthday,” Mother said.

“Happy Birthday,” Lucia and Edwin echoed.

Karina’s face lit up. “Thank you.” She sat at the table.

“You get to cut it.” Mother handed her a knife.

Karina accepted it and made a cut down the center of the cake, then portioned it into eighths. She dished it out on to plates.

“I want a big piece!” Edwin said.

“Me too!” Lucia squealed.

Karina pushed the plates towards them and then one to Mother. She took a piece for herself. The fork glided into the chocolate cake, creasing the icing as it went. As she watched, she couldn’t help but feel a wave of deja vu. It was so strong, her head swam. She squeezed her eyes shut as she tipped the fork closer to her mouth. Her stomach swirled. She didn’t want to eat it for some reason. Her mother had gone to all this trouble to do something nice and now she couldn’t even take a bite of it. What was wrong with her?

She forced the cake in and began to chew. The soft sponge filled her mouth. Her tongue told her it was good, but her brain insisted that it, in fact, tasted like dirt. She continued to eat it, taking little swallows at a time, but every bite got harder to take. She finished her piece and set her fork on her plate with finality. Her mind still couldn’t get the feeling of gritty dirt out of her mouth even though she knew it was cake. She licked her teeth clean of the thick frosting and swallowed hard.

Edwin and Lucia still ate. Edwin’s face was covered with chocolate, but Lucia was still as pretty as a princess. Mother sat watching Karina, an odd look on her face.

“Did you like it?” Mother asked.

Karina bobbed her head. “Thank you so much. It was delicious.”

Mother narrowed her eyes. “You say that, but... I get the feeling you don’t appreciate it. I worked really hard on that cake. I hope you understand the time and effort I put into it. I could have finished mending your father’s clothes or sewing a new dress. The flour I used could have been used for our bread, but instead I used it on you.”

Her siblings remained silent. Karina dropped her eyes. “I really appreciate the cake. Thank you very much for thinking of me and being so wonderful to me.”

“That’s better. Now.” Mother gestured to the cake. “Have another piece.”

Karina looked at the cake in front of her. Her stomach tightened, still nauseous with the previous slice. “Please, Mother. Can we save some for later?”

Mother’s eyes narrowed. “Eat. It.”

Karina kept her eyes low. “Yes, Mother.” She sliced another piece of cake and put it on the plate. With mechanical movements she took bite after bite from it until it was finished. She couldn’t help but think of mud as she ate. The thick chocolate blocked her arteries as she pushed it down her throat. Her insides began to burn with acid as the sugary icing hit her stomach and churned uncomfortably.

“How was it?” Her mother purred.

“It was delicious. Thank you, Mother, for the cake. This has been the best birthday.” Karina kept her eyes down.

Mother sat back in her chair. “That’s better. Now go and wash up. We’ll eat dinner in a few minutes.” She lifted her eyes. “And I expect you to eat every bite.”

Karina nodded.

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